Mother-of-the-Bride Timeline: A Heartfelt Perspective
My journey through the mother-of-the-bride timeline. A real-life perspective about managing wedding expectations through the lens and heart of a mom.
The Engagement
Last summer, our daughter announced that she would marry in a year. She has been dating the young man since 2018, so it should not surprise us. I was expecting this ONE day, but not so soon. She just graduated from college, after all.
It seems like only yesterday that she was learning to crawl and walk. How did this happen so quickly? I dreamt about her wedding day, but how did our expectations vary? How would we navigate the differing expectations along the way?
After Jasmine and Sam were engaged, I assumed traditional wedding planning would commence. I soon learned that they would take a more relaxed approach, enjoy being engaged, and then the planning would begin.
The first step in wedding planning is determining the budget based on the guest list count. The couple and parents assemble lists, which are scrutinized and analyzed, and finally, they decide on a final guest count. Our daughter was adopted from China, so I assumed she would want to invite the young ladies and their parents whom we traveled with and became like family. We saw each other less often as the girls grew older, and Jasmine did not feel the connection we once shared.
Touring Wedding Venues
I learned that times have changed, and what I saw as traditional was considered old-fashioned by the young couple! They wanted different things for their ceremony and reception than I envisioned. More than once, I had to remind myself that this was their wedding, not mine.
They planned to marry in the summer, depending on venue availability. We visited an outdoor wedding venue and soon learned that this was not my daughter's or her fiancé's style. We toured several other locations and found the perfect one for the couple!
It had the grandeur they wanted, was air-conditioned, had summer dates available, and there would be no bugs at an indoor ceremony! These characteristics were essential for a summer wedding.
They decided on an available date and booked the venue. Their wedding planner, Jeanette Winchester, owner of Simple to Elegant, stated, "you don't have a date without a venue" and "you don't have a venue without a date." So now they can check both those boxes off the list!
As I asked for more details about the wedding party, I learned the bride preferred not to have a flower girl or ring bearer. In fact, she was not sure she wanted children at the wedding.
At one point, she said she did not wish to have bridesmaids. I was agitated and said, "how do you think your friends will feel about that?"
I felt the bricks of a wall building with our differences during this process. I asked myself, is it worth causing a riff? My relationship with my daughter and future son-in-law is far more important than who is on the guest list or the wedding party.
Wedding Dress Shopping
I thought she would invite a few friends and one of my close friends when it came time for wedding dress shopping. Our prom dress shopping tradition included several gals and their moms traveling to Indianapolis for shopping and lunch. The girls chose gowns, tried them on, then made their final selections.
Since our daughter is more reserved and does not like to be the center of attention, she told me she planned on ordering a few try-on-at-home bridal gowns, and it would just be her and I. Again, I assumed we would have a few people over for the event and serve appetizers and drinks to celebrate. I let it go for a while as I realized how stressed she was becoming.
Finally, Jasmine decided to see what dresses a local shop carried. I met her after work to "just look." She did not intend to try anything on.
Well, guess what? She tried on three or four dresses, and when she found "the one," the smile on her face was priceless, so she said yes to the dress!
Selecting wedding colors and a theme was next on the agenda. Early in the process, Jasmine mentioned dusty pinks and purples. Now she was talking about champagne.
The color sounded pretty, but then I looked at color palettes online. Some wedding companies call it taupe. That reminds me of ugly taupe heels that I wore with suits back in the day! When they finally decided on the color, I thought it was elegant.
Again, will the color matter? Their love for one another is the focus of this occasion, not the décor. It is their choice, not mine. Remembering to keep the wall from building between us so our relationship will continue to flourish is of the utmost importance.
Curb your Opinions!
So far, we have survived shopping for the "major" items, such as the venue, caterer, photographer, and wedding gown. I offered to make telephone calls to vendors but left the decision-making to the bride and groom. That's easier said than done when I want to voice my opinion at every turn! Although a few bricks have surfaced during the process, I'm trying to keep them to a minimum.
Next, we discussed the wedding registry. The couple did not see the need to register for many items since they were minimalists and didn't want to be extravagant. I recommended registering for sheets, towels, blankets, and other household items for the day they purchase a home.
So…at the tasting with the caterer and wedding planner, my husband asked about the registry. Our wonderful wedding planner explained that it is the tradition of friends and family to shower the couple with gifts. Sometimes it takes an explanation from another person to help them understand the significance! A few weeks passed, and my daughter is now ready to begin selecting registry gifts.
Enjoy the Journey!
So, what have I learned from this experience? A bride and her mother will have differing expectations during the wedding planning process. It is wise to voice your opinion only when asked and avoid building that wall between you and your loved ones.
Laugh about the situation. Give it time, and do not try to rush the process. Respect the couples' ideas and wishes as it is their wedding.
Once a decision is made, do not keep looking at other options. It is a journey to enjoy, not a sprint. That's why most engaged couples take a year or more to plan their big day. Most importantly, remember to offer grace to one another, as our relationship is more important than any expectations we may have along the way.